My Little Corner of Canada: The John Paul Conspiracy

JOHN AMAGOALIK

“Ring, ring.”

“Good morning. CSIS. Yapping Dog speaking.”

“Good morning Yapping Dog. This is Sherlock Scmerlock reporting from Iqaluit. I… I think I’ve uncovered…”

“What’s the pass sentence?”

“Pass sentence?”

“You know, you have to give me the pass sentence before I can listen to your report.”

“Oh. Um, um… Farting walrus knocks out Greenpeacer.”

“Okay. What have you uncovered?”

“I think I’ve uncovered a John Paul conspiracy.”

“A John Paul conspiracy?”

“Yeah. As in the Pope.”

“Well, I started noticing this John-Paul connection when Paul Quassa got elected as NTI president. Nine months earlier, another Paul, Paul Okalik, became the first premier of Nunavut. The same time Paul Q. got elected to NTI, Pauloosie Kiyutak was re-elected as president of QIA. In the Kvalliq, Paul Kaludjak is the regional president. Are you with me so far?

“Yes, keep going.”

“Then I started noticing all these Johns. This guy they call John A. has had connections with both Paul Q. and Paul O. for many years. The director of implementation for NTI is John Lamb. NTI’s number one lawyer is John Merritt. The Clerk of the Legislative Assembly is John Quirke. The guy who manages the building where John A. works is another Paul.”

“Are you getting to the conspiracy part?”

“Here it comes. Paul Idlout is the first Inuk Bishop of Nunavut. He used to live in Resolute when this John A. was there in the 1950s and 1960s. Another new bishop in the Anglican Church is Andrew Atagotaluk. He’s not a John or a Paul, but guess what? He’s married to John A.’s cousin. Then I noticed that the premier’s last name, Okalik, is the first name of the ITC president. Then it all came to me when I was watching the Pope on TV. All these Johns and Pauls, through the Anglican Church, are conspiring with Pope John Paul to take over the world. What are we going to do?”

“Well, I think you better…”

“What?”

“I just realized something.”

“What?”

“The prime minister’s name is Jean. And Paul Martin is… this is bigger than I thought.”

“I think we better send you back to Moscow. Would you like that? You got pretty used to it there didn’t you?”

“Yeah, I liked Moscow. But we have to report this conspiracy to… who do we report it to now?”

“Why don’t you let me worry about it. You go home and start packing.”

“All right. this is Sherlock Scmerlock signing off.”