Let’s build a new stereotype of the Inuk man: abuser to teacher

“Our young men need to hear realities and responsibilities. We as Inuit are a colonized peoples and the damage is rampant. We have a responsibility to break the cycle of abuse.”

ANONYMOUS

I write this as an Inuk man who years ago acted against a younger female in a completely inappropriate way.

I was convinced it was because of drugs and alcohol. As a result, I lost my family and my career. I needed the time to figure out what the hell happened, asking myself, “How did I get here?”

I entered rehab and I eventually was able to take a complete moral inventory of my life. It was absolutely necessary to deconstruct my life and become honest. I examined all my past relationships, beliefs and attitudes, behaviours, and my life events.

During my journey, I began to understand that my relationships, attitudes and behaviours towards females had become skewed for many years.

Not to use this as an excuse for my eventual actions, but I had (re) discovered that I was sexually molested and abused by men as a pre-teen boy.

I eventually sought comfort in drugs and alcohol and when I wasn’t high, I was angry. I trusted no one.

I began to see sex as a twisted form of love and acceptance that gave me power, control and arrogant confidence. I cheated on my girlfriends, but became desperate when they left me.

As I grew into a young man I began to craft my behaviour, semi-good looks and consumption of alcohol into believing that I was all that, and then some. I used relationships with women to give me a sense of confidence and a reminder that I was in control.

I found out, through much therapy, that my behaviour was merely masking the abuse and manipulation that men had placed onto me.

I was in my 30s, approaching my 40s, but I still acted and behaved like a teenage kid. My emotional intelligence had been stunted.

Somehow, I had reached some level of maturity to start a family but, mostly, still remained selfish.

Fast forward to my downward spiral. My life was at another crossroads — professional failure and then immediate success stood at my feet and I couldn’t handle it.

Sabotage was familiar to me. I turned to the old comforts of drugs and alcohol. I lost my moral compass and betrayed everything that was good in my life.

At first, I again blamed it on the drugs and alcohol. Now I know that it was the result of a worldview that was shaped not by me, but by having no ability to decipher right from wrong when it came to women, correct my thinking, retrain myself with the help of others and mostly, not having the belief that I could talk about things.

In my generation as a man, you did not express your feelings. Shame, foolish pride, and arrogance were my enemies.

My message is this: any man who can relate to my story, who is possibly being confronted by his own demons in life, and is in a position of power (whether as the head of a family or professionally), you must consider my story.

If you have been angry or violent towards women, blamed them for your troubles, or cheated on them, please… get help. Even though your pride, shame or fear may be your initial gut feeling, for your sake, please get help.

Stay committed to finding out what is happening to you — give it time. You will get better and have healthier relationships. Pride, anger, shame will be replaced with humility, honesty, strength and love.

And if you can find an extra ounce of courage, tell other men, talk together, talk with elders, and talk with your kids. If you are not one of these men, please involve yourself to begin the necessary conversations within our communities.

Our young men need to hear realities and responsibilities. We as Inuit are a colonized peoples and the damage is rampant. We have a responsibility to break the cycle of abuse.

Let’s build a new stereotype of the Inuk man — from abuser to teacher.