NORAD radar hones in on fat, jolly elf

Officials with the North Warning System confirmed this Wednesday that the fat jolly elf known as Santa Claus will launch his Christmas Eve flight around the world on time tonight.
Hundreds of satellite pictures from the North Pole show that as of Nunatsiaq News press-time this week, Santa was well ahead of schedule.

The pictures show him rubbing Rudolph’s nose to a fine polish, straightening out long lines of tangled reindeer harness, and hoisting large crates of toys onto the back of a big sleigh.

“The satellites can detect Rudolph’s bright red nose with practically no problem,” an NWS technician said.

Santa, at approximately 1,500 years of age, is believed to be Nunavut’s oldest, and most northerly resident.

In telephone interview last week from his big qammaq below the North Pole, he said he’s proud to call Nunavut his home.

Late this evening, Santa’s reindeer-powered craft will enter the skies above Baffin Island from the High Arctic, then swoop through Nunavik on his way to Sanikiluaq. After that, Santa said, he’ll do the Kivalliq and Kitikmeot regions.

“Thanks to the Nunavut Bureau of Statistics and the Kativik Regional Government, my database contains the postal codes and house numbers of every little boy and girl in Nunavut and Nunavik,” Santa said.

He also revealed one of his biggest secrets: how he can visit all the children of the world in one short evening.

“To you, my Christmas Eve trip might seem to last only 24 hours. But to me, it feels like months and months. That’s because I live in a different space-time continuum,” Santa said.

Satellite pictures shows that Santa stands about five feet, seven inches tall and weighs about 260 pounds. Photos from past years taken by NORAD fighter pilots confirm that he has a wide belly, rosy cheeks and a flowing white beard and hair.

But Santa would not reveal how he can fit his large body into the narrow chimneys used in modern houses, rather than use the front door like everyone else.

“We elves are a little different. It’s, like, a hard thing for us to explain everything to everybody,” Santa said.

Santa did say that he appreciates it when people leave little snacks for him to munch on, like tea or bannock. Cookies and milk are good too, he said.

On Christmas Eve, the North Warning System’s 47 radar stations across Nunavut and the rest of the Arctic will watch for Santa’s liftoff at the North Pole.

After that, NORAD satellites will track Santa’s movements around the world.

Their extensive network of digital Santa Cams will display pictures of Santa as he enters each country around the world, and make them instantly available on the Internet.

To view Santa’s progress tonight, go to www.noradsanta.org.

Meanwhile, a recent Ipsos-Reid opinion poll shows that eight out of 10 people in British Columbia believe Santa Claus did a good job last year.

At 77 per cent, Santa’s approval rating is higher that Prime Minister Paul Martin, who scored only 64 per cent.

“Hey… Santa is a cool dude. He has a ton of elves working for him and gets to kick back and only work one night of the year. Can’t beat that!” one poll respondent said.