Tabloid finds Inuit on Mars

Article describes life of Inuit who teleported themselves to cold planet

By JANE GEORGE

The NASA rover that landed on Mars this year has found Inuit colonists living on Mars!

At least, that’s according to the Aug. 2 cover story of the tabloid, the Weekly World News, that shows a family of Inuit dressed in fur and eating country food on Mars — all with large alien eyes.

The article says NASA’s Spirit Rover has sent back photos of “an Eskimo-like tribe living at the north pole of Mars” with 187 people living in Martian homes that look like igloos.

The frozen ice-cap at the northern tip of Mars makes life habitable, explains the article, although the average temperature is -81 F.

The Inuit colonists, a NASA source is quoted as saying, are able to survive because of the “indomitable Eskimo spirit.”

These Martian Inuit have larger-than-average eyes “to help them find food on the mostly dark planet.” Their fur? Well, they must have had the foresight to bring animals with them.

No furry animals were photographed by the Rover, but the Weekly World News says the Inuit “were seen ice-fishing and later slaughtering a huge, unidentified aquatic mammal caught under the ice.” They later “divided its blubber and had a hearty feast.”

The rover also apparently recorded the Inuit celebrating a man’s 140th birthday, although he only looked about 30 — perhaps because their diet of Martian maktaaq is like a fountain of youth.

“Linguists have identified the dialect as a variant of the Eskimaluet language family spoken by the Eskimos of Labrador 5,000 years ago,” this “reliable” NASA source says.

The article suggests that the presence of Inuit on Mars explains the origin of the mysterious Mars face first spotted and photographed in 1972. It may have been constructed by those Martian colonists and actually show a parka hood.

But how did Inuit get to Mars, anyway?

According to the article, ancient Inuit had “enormous drive, determination and spirit of exploration” and used “mind-over-matter” techniques to teleport themselves to Mars.

It may also be that these Inuit were the first people to be abducted by aliens — for “reasons of their own,” suggests a UFO expert in the tabloid — who altered their lungs to breathe Martian air.

The Weekly World News says you haven’t heard about this tribe already because the U.S. wants to keep it “hush-hush” and not let it be known how Inuit got to Mars first.

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